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What’s the matter with Kansas? Seriously.

Well, I’m officially through with trying to convince anyone that Topeka isn’t the most small-minded hick town ever. Today, Sam’s Club refused to print this picture:

(From the cover of my book–Jason got confused & thought I meant the book itself, so I switched out the picture. I was just trying to get a few prints of the photo. Photo by the lovely & talented Miss Robyn Eden.)

No kidding. Now, I’m not saying Johna isn’t absolutely darling and enviably sexy. She most certainly is. But if a bikini built to Annette Funicello proportions sets off your indecency alarm, you are either the most uptight, repressed prude breathing, or you are a seriously creepy pervert who spends his lunch hours locked in his office beating off to a ragged copy of Seventeen magazine.

I’m not saying the Topeka Sam’s Club manager on duty this afternoon downloaded my bikini pictures and burned them to a CD that he smuggled home inside a ragged copy of Seventeen magazine. Or that he even has a ragged copy of Seventeen magazine. But he did spend an awfully long time lingering over my CD (as did the withered old crone hovering behind him, eyes popping, and mouth sucking open and closed, like a beached catfish) before he pronounced them unfit to print. I thought obscenity was supposed to be one of those things that you just know when you see. So if this picture is so smutty, why did it take him 5 minutes of leaning in alarmingly close to the monitor, jaw slack and brow knotted, to figure it out?

I don’t know why I expected better from a town that’s home to the church of godhatesfags.

I will now point out that Sam’s sells piles of R-rated movies filled with naked ladies (which obviously, is fine with me–until you treat my adorable pinup pictures like a freaking donkey show), and that this bikini is more modestly proportioned than every single junior bikini currently on sale at Wal-Mart. So do they refuse to print the vacation pictures of all the teenage girls wearing their 3rd world manufactured bikinis on family vacations? I think not.

I can not express how deeply offensive I find all this, both that they wouldn’t print this picture in particular, and that they’re policing (with horrifying Victorian self-righteousness) all the pictures they process, generally. I was so livid, I barely even raised my voice. I just pointed out their hypocrisy and rudeness–they didn’t even bother to call me, to save me the 45 minute drive. Apparently the Sam’s Club Morality Squad is exempt from exercising any manners. I just cancelled my Sam’s Club membership, and left.

Shame on me for shopping there in the first place. Shame on me for letting convenience overwhelm doing the right thing. No more Sam’s, no more Wal-Mart. It’s embarrassing it took this to get me to quit shopping there. But they roll up the sidewalks out here around 7, so it’s hard for a night owl to cut the cord on the only 24-hour shopping game in town.

But snip, snip, you hideous, hypocritical monster. It’s over. No NPR stories about the greening of Wal-Mart will sway me now. Wal-Mart, you are dead to me. You are a blight on our country and as long as we’re in a big-box world, I hope Costco and Target crush you like the cockroaches you are. (Yes, I know they won’t; but at least my hard-earned cash won’t feed that particular tapeworm anymore.) Same to you, Topeka. You can suck it. If I can’t get it locally, I’m spending my money in Lawrence now.

And with that, I’m officially through with making nice-nice about the ugly side of Kansas just because this is my home now. Nuts to that. I didn’t go around pretending Austin was perfect, so why should I act like life out here is always a dream come true? Don’t get me wrong: there’s a big, sloppy chunk of all this place that makes my heart swell. It’s stunningly lovely, even in the middle of a smothering heat wave (104 or 5 today, 107 tomorrow–that’s 18 degrees above average). There are many people who have been wonderful, really enthusiastic, welcoming, and supportive. But there’s also plenty of uptight, judgmental, gossipy bullshit cloaked in churchie righteousness, and plenty of bitter small-town pettiness, too. Fuck not saying anything at all if I can’t say something nice. Might as well quit faking it before I get pushed to the brink and come out all teeth and nails.

edited to add: As a matter of fact, I’m both the author of the book & the owner of the copyright on the photo. This is not a copyright issue. They didn’t even ask about the copyright. Since it’s a studio photo, they should have, but they didn’t. Anyway, this was just a rant, and the problem is solved (i.e., I won’t be patronizing the Dark Menace anymore, which was long overdue anyway, and there are plenty of places I can get prints that aren’t operated by finger-wagging bumpkins–that’s what I get for trying to gets prints and a 30-roll package of toilet paper from the same place). And for the record, while my experience with Topeka has been consistently unpleasant except for those pickles (but they are really, really good pickles), I don’t hate all of Kansas. I love my little compound, and I’m well pleased with Lawrence, and Wichita for the most part, and the big sky and rolling hills and breathtaking electrical storms and quiet little towns, and a good many of my neighbors (although the only one who actually got me has moved away, sigh). Anyway, I’m getting sidelined with all the emails of comment moderation notices, so I’m closing comments on this entry. Ta da!

July 17, 2006. Uncategorized. 42 Comments.

42 Comments

  1. Stacie replied:

    What’s next? Are they going to start burning books in the aisles? Beautiful cover btw.

    July 18th, 2006 at 9:16 pm. Permalink.

  2. mandyanne replied:

    where’s the dog poop catapult when you need it?

    July 19th, 2006 at 1:18 am. Permalink.

  3. Jen replied:

    I used to work in a photosho[ and there is a set criterria to what is smut (and I have seen it). This picture definately does not apply. Also there was a secondary set of rules that applied to artistic photographs (of which this is obviously). For instance we wouldn’t print an open leg crotch shot, but we would print a nude in silhouette.
    The irony is, that if you would have uploaded this onto the Wal-Mart photo web-site and had the prints sent to you, they probably wouldn’t have said a thing. And amen on the band-aids they seel. I am only 28 but I find myself sounding like an old prude when I see that shit they sell to all the kinder-whores. I am so sick of seeing way too much of every teenage girl I see. Thank god that the words on the ass trend is starting to phase out. The next thing will probably be crotch arrows or nipple holes in shirts. I wonder if that Girls Gone Wild guy secretly has a contract to design clothing for department stores?

    July 19th, 2006 at 2:17 am. Permalink.

  4. Sue replied:

    Piss on Wal-Mart.

    July 19th, 2006 at 10:21 am. Permalink.

  5. Buck replied:

    Your problem was that you were trying to reason and agrue a point with a WalMart manager. You think the guy got up one day in the middle of his master’s program and said, “Fuck it, I want to work at Wal-Mart!”

    He rises in the ranks because he isn’t capable of the exact sort of mental capability you were apperaling to. I am amazed he made the determination in only 5 minutes.

    July 19th, 2006 at 2:47 pm. Permalink.

  6. Mark replied:

    Wal-Mart, better known as Mal-Wart (Lance the Mal-Wart? uh-uh)
    That guy just proves that there are those who can’t handle real beauty, which proves that some people really do squeek when they walk.

    What about the bandaids they sell? I was just wondering since I haven’t been in the store in years. I’ve hated that place ever since I found out how they treat their employees

    BTW, I am definitely getting your book for my sister-in-law, she’ll love it!

    Oh yeah, long time reader, first time poster. Love the site!

    July 19th, 2006 at 11:25 pm. Permalink.

  7. teki replied:

    I completely understand you unhappiness with the Wal-Mart family. Been there, had many an issue. To address Mark’s comment, my mom has worked for Wal-Mart forever it seems and she loves it. Not sure what the issue about employee treatment you’re referring to. (disclaimer: I personally am and will always be a Target girl, just mentioning my mom loves working there and she’s not even up on the ladder as they say….) Good luck getting the prints, I am positive you will get a better quality print from anywhere else. I have always been disappointed with their (Sam’s) print quality….(not to mention their hypocritical moral outrage, what about the gun selling???)

    July 20th, 2006 at 9:31 am. Permalink.

  8. Trudy replied:

    Right On Rocky Red Jet! Hate the place, hate the people that shop there! Drones, slogging along with dead eyes!

    July 20th, 2006 at 1:56 pm. Permalink.

  9. emma replied:

    Outrageous. P.S.: Austin misses you!

    July 20th, 2006 at 11:00 pm. Permalink.

  10. Chrissy replied:

    First, let me say, gorgeous cover. It is so darned wholesome, too. I mean, you can barely see her belly button!
    I’ve boycotted WalMart and Sam’s for almost 10 years, and this just provides fuel for my boycott. I. Hate. Them.

    July 22nd, 2006 at 6:58 pm. Permalink.

  11. Dorothy replied:

    As if I wasn’t already ashamed to be a Walmart employee in the great state of Kansas… that photo in no way falls into the category of unsuitable to print.

    July 22nd, 2006 at 8:30 pm. Permalink.

  12. Amber replied:

    Nikol: Grrrrrr! How frustrating! Add it to my already mile long list of reasons NOT to shop at either of those stores.

    Jen: I can only hope the words-on-the-ass-of-the-pants trend is phasing out, since I just recently saw a middle-aged woman with pants that said “PINK TACO” on the ass. Gah.

    July 23rd, 2006 at 8:53 am. Permalink.

  13. Jules replied:

    Nicole,
    Just forget about local services and send your stuff to Kodakgallery.com (for digital files) or Snapfish.com (they still process 35mm print film) or photowow (for fancy photoshop effects and framing). There are lots of hobbyist and professional photo labs that operate on a national or international (not local hick-town) standard.

    July 24th, 2006 at 12:40 pm. Permalink.

  14. Jules replied:

    Forgive me for misspelling your name - it was a reflex.

    July 24th, 2006 at 12:42 pm. Permalink.

  15. Barbee replied:

    I am going to start picketing our Walmart in Porter…screw them and Sams too…I have been on their bandwagon for banning for a couple of years now! Heres to SuperTarget!!!

    July 24th, 2006 at 7:41 pm. Permalink.

  16. Jillian replied:

    Oh pishaw, I see why they wouldn’t print your picture. If I was a man, I’d have an insta-boner just looking at this Johna charactor. She isn’t just gorgeous, she’s sordid, and dangerous, and ranks (I believe) with the bad girls of pulp fiction. You can’t have this going on in a town like Topeka! What are you going to do next, open a porno shop? Give children drugs?? START A CULT???

    July 25th, 2006 at 10:22 pm. Permalink.

  17. momma replied:

    now now, just take a deep breath…you need another focus honey…things aint gonna change just becuase ol tubs at mall wart has a hangup about dolls. Youre not in kansas anymore…

    July 26th, 2006 at 4:28 pm. Permalink.

  18. Ted replied:

    If all towns suck because of Walmart then all towns would suck.

    Walmart sucks
    Topeka is not Walmart

    Great pic!!

    July 27th, 2006 at 11:52 am. Permalink.

  19. Nikol replied:

    Yeah, but this never would have happened at a Wal-Mart in, say Austin, or Kansas City, or even the crappy town where I grew up. A good part of the objectionable stuff that happens at those big corporate monsters happens because the community accepts it, not because it’s rigid corporate policy.

    July 27th, 2006 at 12:52 pm. Permalink.

  20. Sue replied:

    I agree. It seems to be the community. I was in the Topeka Target once and there was a college-age girl with dyed black hair, pale make-up and had part of her face pierced (I think her eyebrow). Barely, barely, Goth. I wouldn’t have even looked twice at her, EXCEPT there was a father, mother and a teenage son 5 feet away with their jaws literally dropped staring at her without any concern for how totally rude they were being. They looked as if they had spotted a girl with three heads! It was like a scene in a movie that was stereotyping the small-town backwardness. . I could see that attitude being passed from one generation to the next right in front of my eyes. This has been my overall impression of Topeka and I have been there several times. Sorry to offend any Topekans out there, but Gage Park and Porubsky’s insanely hot pickles are the only two upsides in this town.

    July 28th, 2006 at 6:21 am. Permalink.

  21. Denver replied:

    Topeka is hell. When I saw you previously lived in Austin, my heart goes out to you. I mean if you have moved there from Hutchinson, KS, you would be used to hell. Or even El Paso. But to have left the only civilized place in TX for Topeka. Leave before the mind-sucking slow death that Kansas triggers in all (eventually).

    July 28th, 2006 at 4:27 pm. Permalink.

  22. Stacey replied:

    That is a total injustice! I’m tempted to call those hicks and give them a hard time. I’m not sure that wouldn’t happen in Austin though. Have you heard about the Austin ISD teacher who got fired for artistic pictures of her on her myspace page? Although AISD is kind of a microcosm in itself.

    July 29th, 2006 at 10:30 pm. Permalink.

  23. Nikol replied:

    But I love it out here in the sticks. Of course, I’m something of a hermit, so my actual human interaction out here is pretty limited (but also fairly positive).

    July 29th, 2006 at 10:36 pm. Permalink.

  24. Mark replied:

    It sounds like the only good thing about Topeka is Heartland Park.

    Of course you have to remember, this is the state that wants to ban the teaching of evolution. They claim that since it’s a theory it isn’t legit, even though it’s a pretty widely accepted theory.

    July 30th, 2006 at 12:18 am. Permalink.

  25. okharpman replied:

    We’ve got two Jayhawkers in our family. Kansas is a great place to live, except in the North-Northwest part, and you have a degenerative Arthritic back, and then it is, … ah, haities. I can’t handle 15 foot snowdrifts that I have to remove so I can get my mail.

    Pheasant hunting is great, but not that great when you have an arth … .

    Walleye fishing is fantastic, except when you have 3 score years under your belt, and 3 score years on your back which is worthless because it is full of degenerative arth… .

    But, hey! I’m waiting for the time they can kill a cow in Kansas and transplant that back into me? Moooo!

    Walmart? How many of those things do you find in all the little towns that poke-a-dot NorthWestern, Kansas? When we lived there, they threw out the red carpet when they built a Pizza Hut there. You had to reserve a table, 3 days in advance. But that was back in the primitive days, before they had WalMarts. Like old Sam said, “Well, there goes the 60% mark up,…” and, really, do I have to explain that. Just buy you some space on walmart for cheap, like 100 megs for 1.50 a year, send your pictures there and then order them on a cup. Your picture is a great mug picture. Let me know when you get it on. Email me, and invite me to your WalMart picture page, and I’ll order that mug.

    Why should small towns have to put up with a 50% Mark-up, anyway. Hey, … was that Toto I just saw running across the road in Garden City, … no, Almena. Toby Keith made a ton of money by going to Dodge City to hunt pheasants and ended up writing “I Should Have Been A Cowboy,” which set a new paradigm in Country Music.

    July 31st, 2006 at 3:37 am. Permalink.

  26. Mike replied:

    This is nothing new. My local Wal-Mart once refused to print one of my photos because it looked “too professional” (they thought I had scanned it from a professional print). They finally agreed to let me have my print after I explained in intricate detail how I held a $2 piece of white posterboard off to the side to illuminate the model with bounce flash.

    July 31st, 2006 at 8:01 am. Permalink.

  27. Jim replied:

    The first and really only thing that comes to my mind after looking at your flick is the Annette and
    Franky (sp?) Beach movies. “Beach Blanket Bingo”! “Beach Blanket Bingo”! Sing along everybody! 8o)

    July 31st, 2006 at 8:19 am. Permalink.

  28. snickering replied:

    What do you expect from Kansas? This is a state that is desperately trying to move education back to the middle ages. They are the laughingstock of anyone with an IQ over 100. And an embarassment to the rest of the country.

    Your options are:

    1. Change the 17th century thinking and get rid of the insane decision-makers there. If you like living in Kansas, I’d recommend this. The way things are going there, the politicians won’t be happy until they bring back leeching as a cure for the flu. In fact, I have no idea how any doctor could live in Kansas and live with themeselves. Especially if they have children.

    2. Move.

    July 31st, 2006 at 1:24 pm. Permalink.

  29. Hendel replied:

    Er, if that’s a book cover, what’s the name of the book, and where do I get it? Love the “Seventeen” rant…

    July 31st, 2006 at 2:17 pm. Permalink.

  30. Hendel replied:

    (Sigh). Never mind - that sidebar ad caught my eye immediately after I posted that last.

    July 31st, 2006 at 2:18 pm. Permalink.

  31. Tom Boucher replied:

    Speaking as a former Kansas resident (Lawrence, KS from 1975 - 2003) I can’t say I’m surprised. This is why I subscribe to the ‘print your photos at a real photo place’ isntead of the idiots at Sam’s Club and Wal-Mart. I’m surprised they got to the obscene part without telling you that you were a copyright theif and couldn’t take an image that nice.

    What’s wrong with Wolfe’s? They used to be the end all to be all of photography stores since I was a little kid. My Dad bought many a camera item from them when I was growing up.

    July 31st, 2006 at 3:13 pm. Permalink.

  32. heterophobic replied:

    To follow up on Tom Boucher’s comment, did the manager actually tell you that he would not print the photograph due to its skin-tastic nature? I only ask because he could also have errantly assumed that it was a professional photograph of which you were trying to illegally make prints. Maybe he though you downloaded the image, burned it to a CD, and were trying to sell it yourself. It’s a legitimate concern, though in this case obviously incorrect.
    So unless he explicitly told you that he thought the photograph was too explicit to print, I wouldn’t assume that that was his reason.

    July 31st, 2006 at 4:57 pm. Permalink.

  33. Tom replied:

    Who still sends out for prints? Buy yourself a decent color inkjet printer (Epson’s use inks that aren’t water-soluble) and do it at home.

    July 31st, 2006 at 7:06 pm. Permalink.

  34. PatHMV replied:

    I share your distaste for Walmart photo clerks, given my experiences with their copyright tyranny, which refuses to print any “professional-looking” photographs without a signed release from the photographer… on letterhead.

    Is there any possibility that that’s why the clerk here refused to print the picture? Not that it was inappropriately lewd, but that it looked too professional, and they wanted a copyright release? Did the clerk specifically say that they wouldn’t print it because it was obscene or too lewd?

    August 1st, 2006 at 9:44 am. Permalink.

  35. Matt replied:

    Topeka - born there… raised there. Left there two-weeks after HS graduation - months before I turned 18 - and never looked back (something about turning into salt)… Do yourself a favor - even being somewhat of a hermit - and run, fast, hard, and long. There are much better places to live alone - just about anywhere (NE, OK and IA exlcuded). Do us a favor and ask around to all of those godly, holier-than-thou kansans why all the zip codes in topuke-a start with 666 (it’s the REAL reason I left you know - not)? I would like to know why they put themselves in such a precarious position as to live where such an evil number is so prevelant. Surely kansans can’t be hypocritical…

    August 1st, 2006 at 11:39 am. Permalink.

  36. Nikol replied:

    Not a copyright issue. I was told they “don’t print this sort of thing,” and that it was “too provocative.” They apparently had no worries about copyrights.

    August 1st, 2006 at 11:40 am. Permalink.

  37. Nikol replied:

    Also–I don’t live in Topeka; I live out in the country, where it’s perfectly simple to avoid Topekans (and everyone else, for that matter).

    August 1st, 2006 at 11:43 am. Permalink.

  38. PatHMV replied:

    That’s just plain prudery, then.

    August 1st, 2006 at 12:16 pm. Permalink.

  39. Jess replied:

    Sigh. That picture is sexy, but it’s also adorable, playful, and pretty damn modest. Maybe it reminded him of Betty Paige (and his own 12-year-old, um, reaction to her).

    Can’t wait to see the book (and make that bikini!)

    August 1st, 2006 at 4:07 pm. Permalink.

  40. Beth replied:

    I am truly sorry that the prudes who work at the Sam’s in Topeka were the ones who waited on you.

    I also thought it might be a copyright issue. It is a great pic, who took them, and did they sign a release?

    I have discussed this matter previously with the photo lab people in the store I work in (apparently Wisconsin is racier than Kansas?) and they wouldn’t have had a problem with it. Nudity or child suggestiveness, yes, your book cover, no.

    Maybe that is what comes of having a gay man running the department. (Actually that is a little haven on progressivism in the whole store. Just don’t talk politics in Sporting Goods.)

    August 1st, 2006 at 4:16 pm. Permalink.

  41. VLBurch replied:

    If this was a book cover, then the Sam’s Club folks did the right thing. It’s called honoring the copyright protection of the photographer of the model and author of the book. That material is covered by copyrights and may not be reproduced without the specific permission of the author and photographer. Was the permission produced? If it was not, then they did the right thing. It was against the copyright infringement law for them to copy it without permission.

    August 1st, 2006 at 8:35 pm. Permalink.

  42. Nikol replied:

    VLBurch, I’m the copyright owner and the author. This is not a copyright issue. They didn’t even ask about the copyright.

    This was already covered in the other comments.

    August 1st, 2006 at 8:47 pm. Permalink.