May 29, 2004

I'm astoundingly fat, my Kansas epiphany place has vanished, my house will be crap-filled longer than planned, I just emptied my checking account for my dogs, and I'm stuck on jury duty for the next two weeks. Boo hiss.

I was doing that cartoon-style running-furiously-in-place-and-not-getting-anywhere scramble, as usual, all turned around over whether I was being practical or just losing my nerve. I swear I spend half my life waiting for outside influences to make decisions for me. It's appalling. I have a very small window of adventure before I let everyone else's doubts overtake me and I chicken out and duck back into my prairie dog hole. And the window banged shut and there I was, hunkering down in my little hole, looking around nervously and trying to figure out what to do next.

I really wanted to be brave and just throw caution to the wind and scrap my whole setup and move out to the middle of nowhere and make a weird and fabulous new life, but I'm scared shitless. Eek. Because once I sell my house, all my theoretical options disappear. There's no way I'd be able to afford to move back here. And if I failed, I'd be saddled with a big brick school-shaped albatross. Plus, I wouldn't have any friends and I'd be all alone and there's the tornadoes and no fancy grocery stores and no bars and what do I know about anything? On the other hand, all my friends are coupled off now, so I'm already pretty much alone, and it's suffocatingly hot and thickly humid all summer here (plus the thunderstorms are no cake walk), and how often do I actually go to the fancy grocery stores and bars?

But it's such a big, scary decision to make all by myself. I'm not sure I've ever made a really big, scary decision all by myself. (I suspect that one of the biggest reasons people get married is so they get to share the major decisions.) Usually I just go with the flow, also known as practicing generalized avoidance.

Anyway, I'm off the hook until mid-June because once again, I'm on hold: 1) the place I loved but was hemming and hawing over has been sold, which is probably for the best but still makes me sad; and 2) I'm saddled with two weeks trapped in a courtroom where they'll hopefully at least allow knitting or something to occupy my hands so I don't go absolutely batshit mad. Actually, it might be kind of fun to be on a jury, although as an alternate, I don't actually get to vote on the outcome of anything. I'm just an understudy. But still: Justice in action!

After several days of feeling sick at heart and sorry for myself, I think I'm ready to spring back into action. That's not to say I'm done feeling sorry for myself; it's just the ants in my pants are finally reaching critical mass. Providing the sky doesn't burst open and rain me out, I'm spending today making a little platform/ramp for my back door so Kiki can use the doggie door without tumbling down the stairs and breaking her poor little hip. I hope it won't look like it was fashioned by Homer Simpson.

05.13.04