September 9, 2003

As I was putting on mascara and lipstick for my gynecologist appointment like I was getting ready for some big date, I realized I need to get out more.

Conveniently, Rebecca called (while I was sitting on the padded table in my little poncho and lap sheet, waiting for the nice doctor to come fit me for the Ortho All-Flex 65--doesn't it sound sporty?) and invited me & Sue to a premier of the new movie starring my on-again/off-again boyfriend Johnny Depp. I was really into his fagginess in that pirate movie, so we're currently on again. But, judging by the commercials, this new movie features a little too much modern-day hat-wearing, of which I disapprove, enticing fagginess notwithstanding. The pirate hat was okay because it was a costume, not an outfit. You know what I mean. I suspect real-life Johnny has an off-putting enthusiasm for headwear.

Like everyone else, I find it charming that men used to wear hats (and women used to wear gloves), and I wish we could all prance around like we were in a Hitchcock movie, but it's just not so nowadays. I disapprove of hats on men (and most women) under 60, with the exception of cowboy hats (worn practically and by people who aren't wearing them as a novelty Texas souvenir).

Appropriate cowboy hats aside, I disapprove of all headwear on men, including baseball hats, visors, headbands (except on Luke Wilson in The Royal Tenenbaums), and particularly doorags, ugh. Becoming a rabid Paradise Hotel fan has really tuned me in to my hatred of male headwear. Notably, the awkward and self-conscious Dave, our favorite Paradise contestant, rarely sports headwear. And he certainly never dons the retarded askew baseball cap/backwards visor, which the male patrons of Paradise Hotel misguidedly believe will lend them some kind of hiphop street cred, but which inexorably links them in my mind to a staggeringly dorky Danish shopwindow display I witnessed circa 1992.

Here is my current list of celebrity boyfriends, in no order:

• Peter Krause
• Johnny Depp
• Luke & Owen Wilson (Fonzie got sister combos, so why not me?)
• Nathan Fillion
• Clint Eastwood
• (Ray Liota would be here, but Suzanne says he's off limits)
• Alan Tudyk
• Alan Baldwin
• Steven Colbert
• John Stewart
• Alec Baldwin, only because he was so funny on Jimminy Glick
• Vince Vaughn
• and of course David Duchovny and Conan O'Brien, still, although they both betrayed me with their respective whores

8.16.03