November 3, 2002

I'm very annoyed that my big magical financial windfall hasn't materialized yet. Perhaps I should invent a complicated ritual to invoke it. Then again, my old lottery ritual was exceedingly complicated and it never paid off. Besides, I worry that if I focus too hard on the imaginary windfall, something dreadful will happen. That's how it would be on the Twilight Zone or Hitchcock. I'm fairly fastidious about including the caveat that said windfall must not result from or in harm coming to anyone. I think sometimes I qualify that as anyone I know.

Anyway, the stupid windfall thing isn't working, so I'm thinking maybe I should. Work. There's the short term plan, which is to stay the course & gear it up a little so I can get together enough to pay my property taxes. And then there's the long-term plan, which fluctuates madly and which may or may not ever happen.

I definitely can't go back to the kind of work I was doing before I joined the ranks of the un/self-employed. I'm too peevish and suspicious and vaguely commie to be any good as a cog in a corporate machine. I'm also utter crap at negotiating, so I never get what I'm worth. If I could make a fuckload of money at some soul-sucking corporate shithole, I'm sure I'd be more eager to polish that old resume and pucker up. But though I'm a champ at actually working, I'm lousy at talking myself up with any real enthusiasm (I can only express my worth if I'm doing it defensively, a relatively useless skill), so I'll never make enough in that world to actually warrant tolerating it.

Most of the time, I'm okay with my up-and-down life, but just as often I really envy people like Malin and Rebecca, people who can fit into their corporate slots (not just fit into them, but actually totally exploit & enjoy them) by day and still be likable by night. It's unfathomable to me. I can't do both. I become sour and resentful and all dried up.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yak yak yak. All I ever do is talk and whine and talk some more.

So the big future plan, which I've been toying with on and off for a couple years, is learning a trade. It doesn't have to be something I'll do for the next 40 years; just something to fill the financial void between now & my next career epiphany. So help me decide. Should I go to school and become a dental hygienist? Here are the pros: It's a 2 year program (+ a semester or 2 of prerequisites). It doesn't have anything to do with my real life, which strongly appeals to me. Steady job, predictable demands, no emotional commitment. I'm not grossed out by mouths or teeth. I like anatomy/biology/pop science. I've always found the quality execution of repetitive tasks to be very satisfying. Comfortable salary. Solid benefits. Plus I'd get to wear what are essentially pajamas all day. (Maybe I could even wear a nurse's uniform....) Then when I'd go home at 5 (no all-nighters in the world of dental hygiene), I'd have my whole real life spread out before me like a candy store. If I start the prerequisites next semester, I could be gainfully employed by 2006, maybe sooner. What do you think?

10.13.02